In the Space of Hello and Goodbye

It is the time of year again (for the region I live in) when kids begin a new school year. There are all kinds of spaces and places and ways to be educated, but a common thread in all this variety seems to be we collectively acknowledge a passing of time and the entrance into a new season.

A year or so ago while I was driving, my daughter asked me why exits are called exits, she reasoned that, ”You can’t exit something without entering something,” and "Maybe they should be called Enters?”.

What she said stuck with me. But haven’t I always known this? Though perhaps not aware of it, my body has been welcoming each breath and saying goodbye in an exhale for over thirty-five years.

Inhale, exhale, one moment ends and another begins and on and on and on…

We all become aware of times passing, for me it was the entrance of children into my life that shifted my awareness of time. I did not know that in an instant, these young humans in my life would turn me into the person who’d cry out to them “Stop growing up!”

Wouldn’t you know that my kid had some thoughts about that phrase too? She asked me, “Why do grownups tell me to stop growing? It’s not like I can stop growing.” It’s a good question and maybe we say it because we are not comfortable in the space of hello and goodbye. There is a grief and joy that settled in my heart when I became a mother. I can not escape the tension I feel as I sit in the now-the right now, as I watch my growing babies leave the stage I’ve found joy in, and all at once welcome the new season they entered.

I am still young at this mom thing (like my credentials as a mom are only 8.5 years old, so basically my motherhood is entering the 3rd grade) but after nearly a decade I am learning to surrender to the passing of time, to accept that loving people well is to allow them to grow and leave things behind.

And so it is in the space of hello and goodbye that my motherhood must live, and it is here that I give myself permission to name my sadness about what is ending and hold space for how incredibly excited I am to watch my kids grow! So this year as we watch the littles we love grow up, let’s give them space to be older, to have evolving opinions, to need us in different ways and let’s allow ourselves to cry and smile about it all at once.

Shannon Johnston

The Present Five

The following is a list of five (or so) things that are bringing life to me in my present season.

1) Savior of the Nations, Come by Cardiphonia. As soon as I heard it I wanted to listen again and again. And I have (sorry family!).

2) Collagen in my morning coffee, I use this kind. I add a few scoops to my coffee along with some coconut oil and Kerrygold butter and blend it before drinking. Do you have those little routines, that if missed change the direction of your course fairly quickly? This is one of mine, skipping it generally leads to less manageable cravings for sugars, and then consuming excess processed carbohydrates leads to higher anxiety… can you begin to see an unhelpful cycle?

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3) White lights on my Christmas tree. Every time I look at the green tree wrapped in white lights I feel inner tension unfold. (Please note the lovely fire ‘burning’ on the tv, #classychristmas)

4)Going rug-less in my living room. I hated my rug, but felt obligated to have some kind of rug on my floor. Then I read this great book and felt the permission to opt for zero rug until I find one that belongs in the space. I am learning that it is better to sit in an empty space than to fill it with stuff I don’t like. And guess what? Removing a rug and experiencing the relief in the quiet emptiness it left behind is inspiring  my curiosity about rhythms in my life and schedule that may just be ‘ugly rugs’ holding space because I am afraid to experience an empty stillness. 

5) The Calm APP. Seriously, this app is used by multiple people in my family each day.  Guided meditations are so grounding for me, and this particular meditation app is my favorite of the several I have tried (like Headspace and Mediation Studio). My children love the sleep stories that are included!

6) Roasting things over an outside fire. I get to experience one of my favorite parts of camping minus all the effort to get to the State Park.

7) Moments by Mary Oliver. 

What are the little or large thing that you find grounding or life giving in this season? I would love to hear them!

Dandelions

   I hear much of the celebration of all the small things that grew so big. I feel the weight of a system of society that recognizes and praises the climb of the underdog, the success of the entrepreneur, the invisible start of an unknown stranger-whose beginning could not have predicted where she’s come to today. 

   I respect these stories, people becoming alive should be celebrated! But also,  I envy them.  I carry these stories with me, like a collection of things to remind me I am not enough as I am. I have inhaled ideas that tell me to snub the little things so long and forgotten to exhale the parts of this air that my soul can not live on. I walk though my day consciously and unconsciously flinching at the small of what I do, as if there is some shame in my existence as is. I feel the weight of needing to make the seed I carry grow into a monument of my human triumph.

    But lately my thoughts keep turning to the small things that stay small. In my yard grows the tenacious golden flowers also called dandelions. And this is the story of this plant, from a tiny seed, comes a green stem and then a flower, not so large, and if left alone this flower will one day turn white with little seeds that will float on a breeze, perhaps planting more of itself. Grownups do not come to admire this little plant or marvel at the many thin yellow petals that make her bloom a flower, and yet this flower (or weed you might call her), she is more at ease with herself then I am most days, she is not trying to be a rose, a maple tree, a mountain, or even the grass she grows among. She is only a dandelion, with a small beginning and a small end, but in this short existence she is fully herself.

And this is what I long for, to be content with sitting as I am, content to plant the small seed of my life and let it grow, be it only a single radish or carrot, be it only one flower, one clover, or a blade of grass, to stop coaxing it to be the things I keep saying it ought to be. One day I might even really understand that the small things were not so small, but I would be lying to myself if I said I really understood that today.

So here is to all the small starts and small finishes, may we all find peace in who we are and what we grow and feel enough in the love of our Creator.

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How To Become Inspired To Declutter

Two months ago I bought a stack of moving boxes. "I will return the ones I don't fill," I said.        I went around packing up all sorts of things that were cluttering the spaces of my home. In a day I returned to the store, to buy more boxes, and I filled all those boxes too. Husband expressed concern about all the boxes now sitting in the garage."That's a problem for future Shannon, " I said,  smug with my brilliant plan.

Now Future Me is simply Present Me, and I am annoyed at Past Me for procrastinating. I have been uninspired to complete the task, it is hot and muggy and my energy feels low for this kind of work.  Until I sat down and told myself that I must not leave this chair I sit in until I publish a new post on this blog. Now I am completely inspired to declutter all the things, to vacuum under the bed and organize the shoe closet. To rid the garage of every box of random USB cords and rid the sliding door of fingerprints. I hear that spot on the carpet in River's room calling to be scrubbed, the dried out lime at the bottom to the produce drawer must be removed right now! And the toddler spoon at the bottom of the dishwasher (that has been washed with every load for no less than 4 months) should probably be put away too. 

So how do you become inspired to declutter?

1) Sit down and tell yourself you can not leave this spot until you create something.

And if you are me, then all the things you have put off, all the tactile jobs that you've been saving for later, they might just come rushing to your conscious mind as the most important job to do now. So that energy you feel, just remember it and when you have finished the art in front of you, you can clean all the things.

And now I am finished with this post and I do feel ready tackle those boxes, and the lime.

 

 

 

Train Tracks

      I found these train tracks on a sabbath. I have not traveled them and I have not seen where they end. But I am certain, if I followed them they would guide me somewhere. For decades I have kept most of my writing secret. In some ways I have sat at the side of some tracks like these, wondering where my words would lead, a fear of not being an expert traveler cementing me to the ground.

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Now I am getting up, and walking, slow deliberate baby steps, the kind that wobble and stumble. But in the stumbling I will learn, and on the tracks of this little space I am setting out to see where all the words will lead. Sometimes it is time (or long past time) to acknowledge Fear's presence. Ask her what she is trying to protect you from and listen. Then thank her for what she was trying to do, but explain that you are moving on, and if she must, she can join you, but let her know, that today Curiosity will be leading the way. If fear is a sticky companion, then let her come along, but don't let her keep you from starting your trek.

 

“He renews me life; He leads me along the right paths for His name’s sake”
— Psalm 23:3 HCSB